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September 14th, 2003
dramatis @ : Zobmondo #1
My mother got this book, called Zobmondo!! It's really fun book that presents you with two choices and forces you to choose between them.
Now, the fun in this is picking a choice and leaving a reply/comment that defends your choice, then conversing with everyone throwing in their two cents. Some of the questions are Fear Factor-like, others are very different.
I'm going to post one of these a day. Please participate, and pull your friends in if you think they'd be interested!
Would you rather...
...chew on a wild rat's severed tail for a half hour?
...thoroughly brush your teeth with a toothbrush from a prison's community toothbrush bowl?
September 10th, 2003
zehara @ : A lonely old lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you,are
you? Just look at you---- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled.
"Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I"
August 29th, 2003
zehara @ : It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids!"
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY....THE TWIST....IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!!!!!"
August 27th, 2003
commonly_unique @ : One too many hits of the offering...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Current Mood: weee
Current Music: Dispatch - Hey Hey
August 23rd, 2003
kimmlett @ : Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"
August 18th, 2003
ellipse @ :
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.
The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
The man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to
console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to
another, and we end up having sex all day long."
"Your sister!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
The man nods and says, "Yeah. I told you I was sick."